Family life is not only happiness, peace and prosperity, but also endless constant work on relationships. Spouses face a variety of difficulties, but one of the most unpleasant moments for many is the betrayal of a partner. According to statistics, in five out of six cases it is men who change. The reason for this lies in many factors, knowing and warning that you can avoid betrayal and build a strong and stable marriage.
Do men all change?
Omar Khayyam said: "You can seduce a man who has a wife, you can seduce a man who has a lover, but you can not seduce a man who has a beloved woman."
For the most part, this statement is true: the strong love of a man for a woman makes the very idea of treason unacceptable to him. However, much also depends on the woman herself and on the psychology of the man. Treason does not always occur due to the situation in the family or the behavior of the woman. Sometimes men succumb to nature, which claims that all men are polygamous in nature. This is true in the case of many males.
By their nature, many men need to capture and conquer new horizons, get new sensations and seduce new women. This is a natural way of male self-affirmation, and it is not always psychologically unacceptable. It is rare that a woman can come to terms with this state of affairs, but one can recognize the nature of a polygamous man at the beginning of a relationship, and trying to change him is not the most reliable and often ungrateful thought.
To justify infidelity with the phrase “All men cheat” and to endure such an attitude for the sake of saving a marriage is also not the best way. Sometimes the reasons lie in another, sometimes even in ourselves, so first of all it is necessary to find out the reason why a married man is cheating, and then to act or inaction.
Reasons for Male Cheating
Regardless of how the woman finds out about the fact of betrayal: did the husband come to repent, did the “mistress” “brag”, was a detective investigation conducted, the woman has an important question - what should I do next? In order to solve this, you must first understand the reason for the betrayal. Some of them can be a good reason to break off relations, some - an occasion to work on them.
There are three categories of male infidelity:
- Internal problems of the family;
- The internal problems of men;
- External factors.
The most common cause of male adultery, despite various factors, are family problems. Often they have a share of guilt of both the man himself and the woman. Treason can be provoked by an unfavorable family situation, causing a man to seek to escape from conflicts. The birth of a child sometimes causes a cooling of feelings against the background of stress in both partners.
Sometimes women themselves give a man a reason to turn away and look at others, forgetting about the immutable postulate of family relations: marriage is not a reason to relax.During the first dates, a woman tries to give herself the best, and in marriage she often stops doing this, killing the spouse’s interest in the bud. Women stop talking with their husband about interesting topics, buy beautiful clothes, paint themselves and behave sexually and attractively, and men immediately notice this.
Tired of routine, lack of emotions in men cause a feeling of loneliness and uselessness in the family, which leads them to attempts to make up for what they want on the side.
If speak about male issues, as the reason for the betrayal, it is worth mentioning the above-described polygamous disposition of character and the illogical property of some men to try to rekindle feelings in existing relationships by distraction to new ones.
Yes, many men admit: cheating is a way to understand and learn to re-value your woman. Another thing is that in order to accept and realize this state of affairs, a woman will need a huge share of patience and wisdom.
Lack of sex or even a difference in sexual preferences can be significant family life factorleading to male adultery. In a man’s life, sex takes a much larger place than in a woman’s life, and if the intimate life of the spouses after the wedding remains at the same level or, worse, subsides, sooner or later the man will begin to seek detente on the side.
It is worth thinking about diversifying sex life with new poses or practices - this will cause a man to have strong emotions, affection and gratitude.
Thirst for thrill - this is what a man can buy when the figure of a stranger looms before him with a mysterious call sign. Women are well aware of this, therefore an unprincipled nymphomaniac can easily get a man who has everything in his family life that is stable and ordinary. The spouse’s fault is in this, but much less, because the ability to value stable happiness without exchanging it for a passing passion should be a priority for a man.
From a psychological point of view, the causes of male adultery go much deeper into the past and sometimes even in childhood.
Psychologist's opinion of male adultery
From the point of view of psychology, betrayal is due to many factors, the causes of which may lie within the personality. A huge impact on a person has his childhood. The model of behavior of each of the spouses, incorporated in childhood by the example of parents and close relatives, dictates the conditions of family life.
A child who lived in an incomplete family or with parents who have always quarreled, growing up, unconsciously adopts their way of communicating and arranges their family life in exactly the same way. Even if a child grows up from childhood with the thought that he will do everything to make it turn out to be radically different, the fear of repeating someone’s fate will provoke unnecessary worries. Also, teenage and already adult experience leaves its mark on family life.
A woman who has been cheated once, although she will try her best to forget this unpleasant period of her life, will be subconsciously afraid and wait for a repeat, provoking the man into treason with jealousy and suspicions. A man who has faced adultery in other respects will subconsciously be ready to change with the thought that if something happened to him, why shouldn’t he?
Depending on how old the marriage is, the reasons may vary. Men cheat on their wives in a young marriage because they are not completely sure of their choice. Most often, such men cheat on their wives, but do not get divorced, because, paradoxically, they are not sure of their insecurity in their choice.
Why men cheat on their wives, but do not leave - the question is much more interesting, although the answer to it seems to many to be banal, albeit ambiguous. Perhaps the simplest and most common reason is habit.
It is the understanding of the fact that no instant passion can replace a warm family hearth, a familiar menu of favorite dishes and happy children, keeps husbands in families.
Therefore, taking a walk, they will return, and perhaps even confess to the deed. These men are easier to manage and correct - a matter of time and invention of a wise wife.
If we consider even the very probability of treason from a psychological point of view, it becomes clear that the presence of one fear of treason is already a serious reason to seek the advice of a specialist. Of course, it will be much better if both spouses come to the reception, but practice shows that this happens extremely rarely before treason and a little more often after. However, psychological assistance is very important, since understanding your own behavior and that of your spouse is a key factor in trust and understanding in the family.
What do men say about treason?
Sadly, according to statistics, almost all husbands in different periods of marriage think about sex with other women. To want more than it is - one of the laws of male consciousness, the natural instinct of the earner cannot be eradicated. But you can muffle and reassure, having achieved a stable environment, however, few men understand this with gaining experience and reaching a more mature age.
Men begin to visit thoughts of adultery in the most difficult periods, when a happy life is interspersed with conflicts and misunderstanding, refusals or interruptions in sex, when the attraction of a man reaches a peak. If at such a moment an accessible, free and attractive woman appears next to the man, thoughts of treason will invariably arise, even if the man drives them up and down. In order to remain monogamous, when the natural instincts are trying to prevail, and the attraction to his own wife begins to fade, huge efforts are needed.
Quite often, it happens that husbands infinitely loving their wife, however, cheat. Despite the fact that frequent betrayals quickly lead to the disclosure of fraud, changing and not getting caught today is easy enough. There are a lot of instructions on the Internet on how to hide treason, but the main mistake of women makes this task easy and simple: inattention to her husband or deliberate denial of the fact of treason.
According to statistics, men who have sex with their wives less than 4 times a month change 5 times more often than spouses with a high percentage of sex in family life.
The problem is that a man who thinks about treason does not think about the consequences. Even when a possible betrayal only looms on the horizon, a man thinks that relations will change, his wife will change by herself and become the same as before, or even better, and he does not make any efforts for this. As a result, when expectations are not met, the man, out of anger and resentment against his wife, goes to treason and comes to a paradoxical desire to be exposed in this. Thus, without realizing it, the man tries to show his wife how depressing and hurting his insensibility is.
Men do not know how to express what accumulates in their soul like women. Therefore, a wise wife needs to feel the mood swings of her man and prevent dangerous moments. Sometimes in time the attention shown can dissuade a man in the desire to change, especially if he himself does not want this.
What if a man cheats?
The situation during change can develop in different ways, but most often the same scenario occurs:
- The husband begins to behave extremely suspiciously, prompting his wife to think about a committed or impending betrayal;
- There is strong but indirect evidence of the fact of treason;
- Treason is revealed - with short “investigations”, recognition of the spouse, the lover herself or libel of strangers.
In any of these cases, a woman instinctively tries to take some kind of action, most often aimed at saving the marriage.It is not difficult for an attentive woman to recognize infidelity by the way the man is nervous during calls and conversations, does not look in the eyes, loses concentration, or vice versa - pays more attention and gifts, becomes more passionate.
If betrayal has not yet been proven to the end and there is no complete confidence, it is not always worth making sure to the end. Of course, any woman wants to know for sure not only about whether a man is cheating on her, but also the name of the warrior and her entire pedigree to the seventeenth knee. However, the first rule of a wise woman faced with treason, advises to calm down.
First of all, when determining the fact of treason, you should calm down and master your emotions.
Following this simple rule often saves spouses from irreparable mistakes, and families from collapse. It is not easy to pull yourself together, having received such a powerful blow to life, but you should do it if you are not one of those pragmatic people who immediately understand that deceivers are not worth your nerves. The first advice that all psychologists give in such situations is to disengage completely, until the mind prevails over the senses.
After you calm down, answer yourself two questions:
- Are you sure that the betrayal was?
- If cheating has occurred, are you ready to forgive her?
Depending on these answers, a further action plan follows. When there is no confidence in the betrayal, and evidence for various reasons cannot be found - this is a great time to analyze your life and identify the reasons why the betrayal could happen, and if you find out, start working on them.
The worst thing a woman can do in this situation is to enter into an open conflict in an attempt to just make sure there are horns on her own head. Recognition forced by force will lead to the fact that the man considers it necessary to destroy the relationship to the end and restore them will not be easy.
Whether you know, or not, that you have been cheated, the final plan of action does not depend on it. It depends on whether you are able to forgive betrayal and do everything to strengthen the family, or rather put an end to the traitor. Both of these decisions are balanced in terms of strength of mind, which is required for adoption. Especially if the couple have common children.
Most women, even experiencing a desire to forgive her husband and forge a relationship, do not do this for the reason that they are afraid of condemning society. It should be remembered once and for all: your family is only yours. It is up to you to decide what is right and what is not, and to focus on the opinions of others is the last thing you should do.
It is true that thoughts of divorce arise - that is how it should be, and this is natural. But it should not be decided without thinking. To begin with, before making such an important decision, consider three questions:
- Do you have a place to go if you divorce?
- Do you have the strengths, opportunities, and finances for self-raising children?
- How firmly are you confident in the need for a divorce, and do you have any doubts about the correctness of such a decision?
If the answer to all three questions is affirmative, without the prefix “but,” you should definitely get a divorce. But if there are children in the family, one should remember about obligatory courts, the division of property and children, perhaps even the payment of alimony. In this case, it is better not to say anything to the ex-husband now, to pick up the children, to go to the parents or to your home, change the phone number, locks and talk with the husband only through lawyers. Having survived a divorce, move on, building your life.
You can make a scandal, you can stay at home and demand that your husband move to your mistress, you can call for friends-relatives-brothers-father to help, without, of course, leading to a fight. So do all normal women.
Women who approach the case from a psychological point of view act differently. They first analyze their life, identifying the causes that led to the betrayal, and most often find them in family life, often in themselves.A strong woman, if she loves her husband, either leaves peacefully, or forgives and will begin to work on relationships and help her husband work on them.
From the moral point of view, the most difficult thing at this stage is to start a frank conversation. Tell about the revealed treason. Be prepared for possible scenarios: repentance or denial. In both situations, the decision is up to the woman: give a chance or leave. In the first case, relapse is possible if the corresponding work is not done, in the second - other difficulties. If both have feelings for each other, things get a little easier.
Whatever decision you make, it will be difficult anyway. It is necessary to rationally weigh the pros and cons of all possible paths and choose the most profitable in the light of the future, but by no means more painless. Family life is a house that is built in bricks, and one builder will build it much slower than two.
