The gap is a painful and unpleasant incident, which everyone goes through differently. Someone quickly forgets the previous partner, tuning in to a new relationship, but someone cannot reconcile and for some time becomes discouraged. In this state, nothing can be done: apathy and melancholy eat a person from the inside, preventing him from living and enjoying life.
Why do people have a lot of trouble breaking up?
Different people are given parting in different ways, someone recovers almost immediately, someone has been trying for years to fill the resulting void. Difficulties arise due to the characteristics of thinking. The most common reasons people have a hard time breaking up are as follows:
- The desire to understand the reason for the breakup. By analyzing events and restoring in memory all the details and premises, people try to build a logical chain that led to separation, but this does not always lead to success. Sometimes, in order to understand why the relationship ended, it is necessary to spend several years on self-knowledge, and it is not surprising that these attempts only exacerbate the situation.
- Guilt. Sometimes attempts to understand the cause of the gap lead to conclusions about one's own inferiority or to the discovery of previously invisible shortcomings. Eradicating them is not always possible, and the inability to come to terms with this reinforces the anguish and regret, which people often confuse with love for their former partner. The decline in self-esteem negatively affects vitality.
- Reluctance to learn and learn from mistakes. It makes sense to delve into the past and try to understand what has happened if any conclusions are planned from this. If they are not there, and the situation did not allow to understand anything, or rather, I don’t want to understand anything, the gap can lead to a protracted depression.
- Excessive identification with a former partner. In long and close relationships, especially when a couple lives together for a long time, one of the partners can automatically identify with the other, perceiving it as the “second half” in the literal sense. Confusing habits, character traits, memories and behaviors, as well as focusing on shared stories, people are trapping themselves. It seems to them that without the person to whom they are accustomed, their life is over.
- Fear of being rejected again. Due to the painful break, many are afraid to start a new relationship, and when they start, they are afraid to end, even if they don’t like the partner, just not to experience the same thing again. Fear of repeating the story does not allow a person to fully reveal himself in new relationships, subconsciously programming himself to a new failure.
- Exaggeration and a tendency to drama. It’s hard to realize that relationships and life are not the same thing. Many people tend to exaggerate the problems, they want to feel sorry for themselves and that others feel sorry for them, especially the former partner.Not every person succeeds in sharing the fact of breaking up relations and the existence of his own “I”. If a person does not perceive himself as a constant and accomplished person, it will be much more difficult for him to stand on his feet and move on than if he is inclined to change and move forward.
Most often, the reason lies in the person himself, and not so much in his actions or traits that caused separation, but in his methods of responding to the problem. Understanding what is stopping you from letting go of your relationship and living on is the first step towards liberation.
What to do after breaking up?
Psychologists advise people suffering from the pain of separation to be extremely careful in their actions the first time after a break. There are things that absolutely can not be done so as not to aggravate the situation and not harm yourself:
- You can not throw out emotions on public display. The pain will pass, and the reputation will suffer. Only you can survive the gap, no one will help you with this. Of course, it’s good when there is a person nearby who can speak out periodically, facilitating the soul, but the fewer people are initiated into your situation, the better. In particular, you should not notify that you feel bad, a person who clearly made it clear that he does not intend to continue the relationship, this will absolutely not change anything.
- Do not humiliate yourself, trying to return a person, especially if he does not want to. In this way, you only pick out the wounds that began to heal and push him or her even further. If the points above i are placed, you need to come to terms with it, whether you want it or not, and if you do not place it, then you need to find out the situation as quickly as possible.
- In no case should you start smoking, abuse alcohol and, especially, narcotic substances. This will not drown the pain and bring relief. Addicted to harmful things, you will only add to yourself feelings of guilt and lower your self-esteem, as well as earn health problems.
- You can’t try to drown out the pain with a new relationship. The wedge is not kicked out in this case, because, having entered into a new relationship with the old burden of pain and self-digging, you will not do anything good out of them. Scars must heal and heal before the skin stops hurting.
- Keeping contacts with a former partner to a minimum is necessary at least for the first time. Remaining friends is not always a bad idea, but in order to remain truly friends, you must first end the relationship as expected, otherwise old emotions will not be able to subside and will pop up again and again.
Instead, it’s better to do useful things that can distract and balance your mind. For example:
- Try to understand that there is nothing eternal in the world, and let go of a person, knowing that there will be another;
- Find yourself a new, interesting and beloved pastime that you can go headlong into;
- Work on getting rid of illusions and mistaken beliefs that there can be no life outside of a relationship;
- Read books and watch movies motivating life, as well as telling about people who survived the breakup;
- Love yourself.
In general, it is not difficult to understand what needs to be done. It’s hard to start doing it and not quit. In this case, you may need the support of friends or even specialists.
Psychologists advice on what to do after breaking up
To survive separation from a loved one, psychologists recommend a series of exercises designed to change their own worldview. The problem often lies in the structure of our psychology and, changing it, it will be much easier to let go of the finished relationship and move on.
These tips work for both men and women, helping every person who is trying to more easily survive the breakup.
Don't think about the past
The first instruction that psychologists give is not so much advice as the main goal of all attempts to survive a breakup with a man or woman: to let go and forget.It is impossible to do this if you live in the past, remembering moments from a relationship, whether they are good or bad.
The first step to make it easier is to get rid of everything that reminds you of a former partner.
To forget about the past, psychologists recommend the following:
- Return, throw or hide all the gifts and belongings of the former partner;
- Hide, delete or discard joint photos;
- Change everything that can remind of him (the situation in the apartment, the position of the bed, ringtone);
- Try to feel like a new person. Change the hairstyle, buy other clothes;
- Limit any contact with the former or the former;
- Every time a former partner appears in his thoughts, pull yourself and switch to something else.
This must be done constantly, always when the prerequisites for plunging into memories appear, and not weaken control for even a second. Over time, this will become a habit and negative thoughts will disappear, allowing you to focus on something else.
Get rid of negative emotions
A bad mood caused by negative emotions and thoughts makes it difficult to maintain a normal rhythm of life and act rationally. In particular, negative thinking also thrusts a person even deeper into the pit from which he is trying to get out. To survive a breakup with a husband or wife, you need to change your thinking and behavior in a positive way. To do this, you can:
- Read books about optimism and finding joy in life, for example, The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Peel or How to Get Rid of Negative Thoughts by Tatyana Cooper;
- Watch inspirational and life-affirming films without a romantic connotation: “Second-hand lions”, “Second Life of Uwe”, “Vacation in Provence”.
- To leave the familiar atmosphere, having plunged into the life of the city, meeting with friends, sports and social events;
- Go in for sports, breathe fresh air, arrange a photo shoot;
- Spend a day in an animal shelter and maybe even have a pet.
A good exercise to help get rid of negative thoughts is to set aside two days for yourself, during which you can do different things:
- On the first day - give free rein to bad thoughts and negative emotions. Cry out, shout out, listen only to sad music, watch depressive films and not turn on the light all day;
- In the second - do the opposite. Smile, even if you don’t feel like it, listen to fun and exciting music, watch comedies and let in more light and color to the house.
Such an exercise acts on the psyche, such as rebooting and shaking. Maximizing emotions leads to the release of negativity and freeing up space for positive emotions.
Do not forget about communication
To survive a breakup with a guy or girl after a long relationship becomes much more difficult if you close yourself, do not leave home and spend all your time alone. Do not avoid talking with friends, relatives, colleagues, it will help you to shake things up and understand that the world around is vibrant and full of new things, and there are people nearby who support you.
One simple thought may help to realize this: it is unlikely that your former partner, just like you, is so upset by the gap that he locked himself in four walls and is sad. Most often, people who don’t worry about the break, live a full life, go to various events are not shy about uploading photos to social networks. And they’re doing it right, because this is how a stable and strong psyche works.
Think about following their lead, and you will be surprised how, after some time, thoughts of breaking up will be much less. At first, you may be uncomfortable in society, negative thoughts will slip anyway, but if there are understanding people nearby, they will help you to abstract from them.
Find new hobbies
It is trite, but it works in almost all situations when the mind is absorbed in suffering, which circumstances prevent to cope with.The change of habitual lifestyle, filling the daily routine with something new and interesting is great distracting and captivating. Try to do something that you never did, but have long wanted to try:
- Embroidery, knitting or weaving;
- Drawing, painting, sketching or engraving;
- Writing, poetry, oratory (Stand Up, for example);
- Music, playing musical instruments or singing;
- Hiking, cycling, traveling;
- Photography and photography;
- Programming, website development, design;
- Sports, fitness, dancing, martial arts;
- Historical reconstructions, live role-playing games, board role-playing games;
- Shooting videos and social projects.
Finding your own business is easy, getting carried away is easy, and forgetting about the pain caused by breaking up, engaging in a new hobby is even easier. Look for what will distract and capture you.
Do not blame yourself for your misery
Looking at other people who live and rejoice, it is easy to think that they are just normal, but something is wrong with you, since you can’t recover in any way. This view is wrong. People are completely different, some are more emotional, some are not, and in every respect to life there are advantages.
Subtle and sensitive natures, which have their advantages, can hardly survive a painful gap. Such people can create art and be philosophers by nature. Serious attitude to such things as relationships, for them the most real norm.
Do not blame and rebuke yourself for the fact that the gap was difficult. Better think about the fact that when you recover and let go of the situation, you will have reason to be proud of yourself and your willpower.
